


Nothing Will Bring Her Back

by Luckythirdshot



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Gen, Spoilers for Episode: e051-057 The Suffering Game Parts 1-7, Spoilers for Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-23 15:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14335737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luckythirdshot/pseuds/Luckythirdshot
Summary: In Wonderland, Magnus loses many things. One of them is a mystery to him still, to this very day.He doesn't know why, but it haunts him.There are only two things he cannot bury.





	1. Chapter 1

     It haunts Magnus, late at night. When he smells lavender and he sees rocking chairs, he remembers; He feels his heart crumble as the memory of his wife’s presence visits him, bringing with it the intense grief that still hit him hard enough to make him nauseous on the best of days. 

     Julia’s not there any more. She never will be. There was more than a hole in his heart for her; when she had been taken from him, ripped viciously from his life, his entire life had crumbled around him, just like the spires that held Ravenloft in the sky. 

     Magnus tries desperately to calm himself, but none of it works. Julia is gone, and he knows that there is something pressing, some reason why it happened, but past that, there is nothing. He was still angry, still hurt by her death; he wanted to face it, to end it and to let the issue rest more peacefully, to think of his wife’s wonderful soft smile, not of her broken body and the need to hunt down the cause.

     There is no burying this. It lays to this day, unfinished. There is no way to fix it, and Mangus is at a loss as to what to do about it.

     He moves past, for now. Forces himself back into the present, pushing away the image of Juls bathed in late afternoon sunlight, swaying around the living room as she cleared away the sawdust he had tracked in. That was a memory, a sight for another time. 

-

     Magnus is walking with Taako in Neverwinter, chatting about Angus McDonald, when Taako simply… stops. Stares in abject horror, becoming more and more pale by the second. 

     He calls Taako’s name, but there is no response. He looks over, ready to catch the elf if he were harmed, to find the man tightly gripping a wand, and on his face, Magnus saw a level of seriousness and anger that he had not seen since the day of Story and Song, when Taako finally remembered his twin, but did not know where she was. It was the only time that Taako had scared him, as he was counting down and pointing the Umbra staff at Lucretia. It was the anger of a person who had lost too much.

     Magnus looks around, but lurches when he realizes that nothing seems out of place. Is Taako experiencing some sort of flashback? What was going on?

     Magnus does the only thing he can think to do: He takes Taako’s wand and envelops him in a hug. Taako is confused for a moment, but recovers quickly and fumbles for his wand once more.

     “Before I give this back to you, tell me what you intend to do with it,” He says, releasing his friend, but holding his wand up high. 

     “I made a fuckin’ promise, you idiot,” Taako said angrily. “Trust me, you big dumb log of a man!”

     “You’re not hurting anyone unless they deserve it, beyond the shadow of a doubt.”

     Taako laughs, a cruel, sharp thing, and Magnus can see the absolute intent in his eyes. 

     “Sazed is in jail still, right?” Magnus asks. Sazed is the only answer he can think that would make Taako act like this.

     Taako stops for a moment, and Magnus can see his face as it flashes from anger to shock, and for only a brief moment, resignation. He stills for a moment, takes a breath, and looks at Magnus.

     “I promised someone I love that I would do this.” It is rare that Taako is completely serious. It scares Magnus, who saw the wizard keep his cavalier attitude even while facing the literal end of the world head on. 

     Magnus gives him back his wand. “Alright.” He sighs. “Alright, but I’m coming with you.”

     Taako shakes his head. “No can do. Nope. I have my reasons. If it makes you let me fuckin go, I’ll call Krav to go with me. Or even fuckin Killian or Carey, but I have to go right now. I have to do this, and I have to do it now!”

     Magnus wants to pursue the issue. He wants to have a goal, and to rush in and face it, and learn the truth. But he knows that Taako is not going to let him come. He sighs and tells Taako to take Kravitz, and he watches as Taako runs headlong, towards gods know what. He stands alone in the street, and he wonders why Taako had been so set. After all, Taako’s good out here; Taako doesn’t rush in.

     He calls Merle. It’s all he can figure to do. 

     Merle is no help, but Magnus begins to notice the tones in his voice getting higher than normal, notices him chatter about little things he’d never chatter about if he didn’t know something. 

     What could he even do at this point?

-

     A week later, Taako comes to visit him, something that has never happened before. 

     But when he comes in, none of his bravado or dramatic flair accompany him. He is still, and Magnus can see the years and the experiences hanging from his shoulders, dragging him down, and there is nothing but threadbare, worn Taako that stands before him. 

     Taako sits and fidgets with the tea Magnus gives him. He stares at his reflection solemnly, so wildly different from the personality Taako crafted. Magnus tries to joke with him, but all Taako will give him are short, pained smiles. 

     Half an hour later, Taako speaks up.

     “Mags, do you remember Wonderland?” 

     The question strikes him as odd, but he has long since moved on from all that he had sacrificed in the past.  _ All but Julia _ , his mind supplies, but he pushes that back. There is time for that later.

     “Of course I do. Hell of an adventure, right?”

     Taako looks up sharply, and Magnus quiets himself.  

     “Do you remember…” He struggles, and he can’t seem to find the words. “Edward and Lydia… They took a memory from you. Someone who did something unspeakable to you.”

     Magnus frowns. “I remember that. It was….” And he struggles to reach it, hoping beyond hope that maybe today is the day that Wonderland finally releases its black, misty grip from his memory, but there is nothing. There is always nothing. 

     Taako sighs. “You told us to-” He cuts himself off and hesitates. Considers. Places his options on a scale. Magnus, infinitely curious, waits patiently for Taako to complete his thought. 

     He doesn’t. Tears fall from his eyes, and Magnus moves quickly to embrace his friend, reassuring him that it’s alright, that he was over it. What had happened in Wonderland wasn’t something to drudge up and live again.

     Taako looks up, completely vulnerable, and chokes back his tears. “I did what you told me to do, Mags. Julia can sleep in peace. We finally did what you asked us to do.”

     Magnus has no answer for that. He hugs Taako, as much a comforting gesture for his elven friend as it is for himself.

-

     Juls kisses him. He says his goodbyes, she pushes him playfully out the door, and he turns back to see her brilliant smile and her beautiful brown hair rustling in the breeze.

     “I love you, Juls,” He says.

     Magnus leaves.

     Julia dies.

     He doesn’t know how to fix this. He cannot bury the issue. He has no way to find even a bit of resolve from the situation.

     Her absence will always haunt him.


	2. But there is no Resolution, Either

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako does not make promises that he does not intend to keep. When the time comes, he leaps at the chance to bury the past that he was tasked with destroying.

     There are very few things that Taako devotes himself to. IPRE, Angus, Lup, Krav, and his promises. When he makes promises, he means them.  
     He remembers when Lucretia told him about Julia’s death. She regales the story of Magnus’s rebellion, so completely Magnus, and she finally tells him about Governor Kailen.  
     Kailen, who took everything from Magnus. Kailen, whom Magnus had forgotten in Wonderland. Taako knows what it is to lose everything. He knows what it is to have everything taken from him.  
     He waits, and he watches. To this day, he watches the crowds, always ready. Kailen will pay.   
     It is, after all, what he promised Magnus, all those years ago. When he makes promises, he means them.  
-  
     When the time finally comes, he wonders for a frustrating moment if it could come at a more inopportune point. He was wandering the streets of Neverwinter with Manus when he finally sees the face he knows, but has never met.   
     Taako sees red, forgets everything around him, and draws his wand. It is rare, these days, that the famous Taako gets drawn into a fight, but it is second nature after a hundred years and some change. There is anger festering that he has not felt since the day of Story and Song, since he had remembered his twin, lost to the years. There is fury such that he only seed Kailen, his dark grin focused on Magnus, moving towards the warrior. Taako points his wand at the man, who seems to notice him for the first time.   
     Kailen flees, and Taako tries to throw himself forward, only to be caught by strong arms, and for his wand to be taken from him. Kailen is barely visible for a moment, but then he disappears, and Taako tries to struggle in Magnus’s grasp. He fumbles around desperately for his wand, but Magnus holds it out of his reach.   
     “Before I give this back to you, tell me what you intend to do with it,” Magnus says, and Taako wants to yell and scream at him, to tell him that it’s Kailen, to force him to remember. This was the man that took the love of his life from him, and Taako has to kill him.   
     “I made a fuckin’ promise, you idiot,” Taako says, but he wants to scream it at the top of his lungs. “Trust me, you big dumb log of a man!” Each moment he spends fighting Magnus, Kailen gets further.   
     “You’re not hurting anyone unless they deserve it, beyond the shadow of a doubt.” Manus, ever the purveyor of justice. He’s wrong here, but he’ll never know it. Kailen killed 76 people, among them the only family Magnus had on this planet. Among them, the love of his life. Taako laughs, but there is no humor in it; it is cruel and harsh, and perhaps a bit scared.   
     Then, something dawns on Magnus. He looks hurt, for a moment, then gentle. The words he says are more cutting than any knife, though he clearly means no harm. “Sazed is still in jail, right?”   
Taako stills. For a moment, he’s back, watching in a disconnected horror as one by one, people fell to the ground. He shakes his head; there is no time for this bullshit. He takes a deep breath and focuses on his task at hand, and looks up at Magnus.   
     “I promised someone I love that I would do this.”   
     Magnus sees Taako’s desperation, and he knows that this isn’t flippant.   
     Magnus gives him back his wand. “Alright.” He sighs. “Alright, but I’m coming with you.”  
     Taako shakes his head, feels the nervousness begin to build in him, knowing that Magnus must not be involved in this. “No can do. Nope. I have my reasons. If it makes you let me fuckin go, I’ll call Krav to go with me. Or even fuckin Killian or Carey, but I have to go right now. I have to do this, and I have to do it now!”  
     Magnus lets him go.   
     He sucks in a breath, knowing that it’s finally time, and rushes in.  
-  
     Taako finds Kailen an hour later. The man has run so far, but he cannot escape; Taako would go to the ends of the Earth to do this.  
     Kailen tries to bribe him, and Taako scoffs. He does not want cities bought and paid for with innocent blood, nor does he want the gold pried out of cold, stiff hands. Taako has his family, his school, and his entire life waiting for him.   
      _“You fucking took everything from me!”_  
     A ball of fire forms in his hands. He has no need of his wand right now; he is angry enough to do this without, all in one blow. Kailen’s death will be swifter and more merciful than he deserves. He ignores Kailen’s begging. He tells the man that Julia has come back to haunt him, and watches the man’s eyes go wide at a name not heard for many years.  
     In a moment, it is done, and all traces of Kailen have evaporated. Taako wants to feel accomplished, to feel as though he’s finally done it, but there is nothing. There are the memories, of the note with scrawling writing and a missing sister, of Kravitz, struggling through the sludge in the astral plane, knows the helplessness that accompanies these things.   
     He stands and relives them all. Relives his moments of knowing that Lup is dead, that he had completely failed her, and his entire heart is just gone. Relives the terror of seeing the love of his life disappear into the darkness, not sure why he knows the loss as well as he does, clinging to Magnus’s spiritual form, praying to gods he does not swear allegiance to that they will all make it out of Wonderland alive.  
     He knows that this will not bring Julia back. It will not stop Magnus from knowing that his one great love is absent. It will not even let him move past her death.  
     When Kravitz comes to collect Kailen’s soul to send to the eternal stockade, he does so quickly, and wraps Taako in a close embrace as the tears fall from his eyes.  
-  
     Taako cannot find the strength to see Magnus for a week. He is a mess, with previous nights’ nightmares pooling under his eyes in the form of bags and memories on replay forcing his shoulders further and further down. He does not have the ability to be the person he has become when he has overcome all the hardships the world has thrown at him; he is simply worn, threadbare Taako.        Magnus offers him tea, and he takes it, glad to have something warm to hold in his hands, something to focus on other than Magnus. He tries to lift Taako’s spirits with smalltalk and jokes, but falls quiet when he fails to do so.  
     Maybe he’s not ready for this. He doesn’t know what to say, and he already knows that he will fail to comfort his friend. It takes him half an hour to even speak.  
     “Mags, do you remember Wonderland?”  
     Magnus frowns, confused. “Of course I do. Hell of an adventure, right?”   
     Taako looks up sharply. Magnus is cavalier about the whole matter, but Wonderland was not something to be careless about, even now that the Animus bell was gone. Wonderland still haunts him, its bright, flashing colors plunging him into panic.  
     “Do you remember…” He stops. Doesn’t know what to say. Forces himself to keep going, because if he stops, he will never garner the courage to do this. “Edward and Lydia… They took a memory from you. Someone who did something unspeakable to you.”  
     He sees Magnus try to work through it in his head before he starts talking. “I remember that. It was….” The words force Taako to the edge of the seat. He does not know what effect remembering will have, but the thought terrifies him enough that he wants to clamp a hand over Magnus’s mouth and force him to think about something else.  
     Magnus’s expression is blank. He will not remember.  
     Taako sighs, feeling the relief flood his entire body. “You told us to-” To kill Kailen, to remind him of Julia, to repay a price that can never truly be repayed. To finally lay her to rest, and let Magnus    remember his wife in all of her wonderful liveliness, instead of her death.   
     He does not garner the courage to speak this time. He does not have the strength to go on, and he feels tears that spill once more. Magnus embraces him, tells him that it’s alright, but it never truly is when people say those words, the words that always fell too flat.   
     It’s not alright that Magnus will not be able to lay his pain and guilt to rest.  
     In a fit of desperation, Taako chokes back his tears and looks up at Magnus, catching his eyes and holding his attention. “I did what you told me to do, Mags. Julia can sleep in peace. We finally did what you asked us to do.”  
     Magnus doesn’t know what to do with this. Taako has failed. He failed an unwinnable game, but it still hurts like hell.  
-  
     Kravitz holds him in the middle of the night, when he remembers the feeling of losing everything he loved. Knowing that he can’t vanquish enemies that don’t breath haunts him.   
     Kailen died that day, but there was no grand resolution. Nobody wins an unwinnable game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to write Kailen's death in Magnus's story, but the time wasn't right for that, nor was the situation. When Magnus forgets Kailen, the burden falls to his two closest friends.   
> Taako was somehow the obvious choice to me. Merle doesn't live in the past, and I'm not sure he could actually kill Kailen while actually meaning to. Merle lost his memories, like everyone but Lucretia, but Taako lost everything, and I think it became Taako's near obsession to fix this for Magnus.   
> Nobody won in this situation, and that feeling of complete loss kinda drove me to write this. ....Sorry (not sorry)

**Author's Note:**

> This was... hard for me to write. Any time Magnus talks about Julia, I still cry. I got a friend into TAZ, and she'd catching up at this point in time; She just got to the Suffering Game, so I figured that I might as well refresh on that content.  
> Magnus's loss of Governer Kailen was upsetting to me, but I always just thought that Mags would just forget about him and move on. But it occurred to me that Magnus must still know that Julia died an unjust and truly wrong death at the hands of something or someone, but he cannot remember who or what did this to him. What Edward and Lydia took from him was the ability to bury the past and get justice for Juls.   
> Even after Taako makes Kailen pay, Magnus gets no resolution. That's something devastating to me.  
> Sorry for the super angsty fic... It occurred to me, and I had to write it down.


End file.
